A Different Kind of Lunch Dessert

Today on my lunch break at work, I am having a different kind of lunch dessert. This one is for the gestational diabetes test, and this super sugary 6 oz. drink makes me not enjoy "something sweet" at lunchtime...at all. YUCK! I'm a little late with this test since I was 28 weeks (3rd trimester, baby!) yesterday so I really needed to come in and get it done. I've been dreading it since my first prenatal appointment. I hate all of the tests, pokes, prods, and doctor's appointments that come with having a baby. This is not to say I am one of those (amazing?) women who desire a mid-wife assisted home birth...because I'm not. I like that this little one will be born in a state-of-the-art hospital (with the assistance of a nurse midwife & OB as needed) because for me personally, there is a lot of comfort in being surrounded by experts & all of the medical advances one could need. My labor with Jack wasn't easy, but the nurses & nurse midwife who supported us were wonderful, and I was all too happy when I saw the anesthesiologist walk through the door to administer my epidural (after 10 hours of painful labor before I got admitted!). Anyway, I digress. As I sit here in the lab at the same hospital, waiting for this fabulous glucose drink to do it's job, counting down the minutes until I can go get my blood drawn (and head on home!) I can't believe that we are here again!

We feel so blessed to have this little baby growing inside of me. Baby #2 has been kicking and punching up a storm lately, at all hours of the day and night, and it amazes me (even though this isn't my first rodeo). It is just unbelievable that there is a tiny person inside of my body, depending on me for life! I am so excited to meet this little one but lately I am just hoping and praying that we do not have an early arrival. Not so much because I want to finish up projects at work, or cherish my time with Jack (as an "only child" for a few more months), or even because I am trying to squeeze in date time with the husband (although we are going on a long overdue dinner & movie date tonight!). Mostly I want this little one to STAY PUT for the next 12 weeks because I want to make sure that everything is fully formed and ready to go before Baby #2 comes out. 

My first trimester & second trimester I was constantly anxious that something would go wrong and we would lose this little one. Miscarriage seems to be so common in my circle of family, friends & acquaintances, and it's a terrible burden because there is just so little you can do to prevent it. Now that I am in my third trimester I am so grateful that we've made it this far, because I know this little one (with lots of prayers & medical aid) could survive outside the womb....but I still don't want Baby #2 to arrive before that 40 week mark. Jack was such a healthy boy, weighing in at 7 lbs. 12 oz., but still felt so small. I was terrified to hold him and change him and feed him, because it just seemed like his tiny little body could so easily be hurt. The idea of other people holding him didn't comfort me at all either. Anytime someone had him in their arms the thoughts going through my head were, "Don't drop my baby!!! I worked very hard to get him here and he's the most precious thing I have!!! Can you just sit there and not move and maybe just breathe really softly, so you don't disturb his sweet, precious little body? Thanks."

It's crazy to think that in about 12 weeks we are going to be blessed with another teeny, tiny baby in our arms. Or maybe, a big, fat 10 lb. baby (I'd like to think so since I've gained so much weight...I mean it sure would be easier if it really was just "all baby!" as people kindly say sometimes.)

Jack and Mommy...just three days old here. We had to bring him to Kaiser daily to get his blood drawn so they could monitor his bilirubin levels, since he was born with jaundice. It was so hard to bring him back and get his tiny foot pricked every morning! In comparison (I'm in the same blood draw lab right now!) I guess this gestational diabetes test is a piece of cake.

Vulnerability and crab sandwiches...not a bad combination

Last night, laying in bed, after a long (but great) family day, my husband and I were discussing how tough it is for me to be pregnant. I thank God daily for the joy and love that I have in my heart for this sweet growing baby…because this sweet growing baby makes me feel like DIRT 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And no, in case you are already solving my problem for me (thanks for trying!), my morning (correction: all day) sickness will probably not go away at the end of the first trimester, because it certainly did not with Jack. (I’m not trying to be pessimistic, just realistic. If it does go away in a week or two, I will be the happiest pregnant woman in the world! Until then…I’m not holding my breath & counting the days.) 


Anyway, I am grateful for the joy and love that I already have when I think about this little life growing inside me, because it helps me get through the constant nausea and fatigue. In addition to the love and joy, food really helps. For the past two weeks, crab specifically is the food that helps. No, no, don’t judge me, and start thinking (or worse, saying!) things like “Pregnant women should be careful about their mercury intake! Fish should be limited to one 4 oz. serving a week!” Etc. etc. etc. I discovered today, after enjoying a delicious crab sandwich at lunch (think loads of crab, avocado, swiss cheese and cream cheese, BACON, on sourdough bread) that crab is chock full of folic acid, B6 (which supposedly helps with morning sickness…yeah…okay….sure) and Omega-3. Wahooo! I need all of those things because don't forget, I am growing a baby. Okay, so back to the purpose of this post, which is that although my heart is full of joy and love, my body feels like dirt while I am pregnant and it is rather discouraging. 

But last night my husband told me that he loves me even more when I am pregnant because I LET HIM TAKE CARE OF ME. (Yup, he really is amazing and oh so sweet and supportive and I am pretty sure I am one of the luckiest women on the planet). He mentioned that I am more vulnerable when I am pregnant and that he appreciates it because I allow him to be a servant, and, that as my husband, he wants to take care of me and to love me by serving me. Seriously. So here I am feeling like dirt, realizing that all the times in the past 6  weeks when I have been laying on the floor (trying not to vomit), or rolling down the window while he’s driving (does fresh air help you not vomit? I always think so), or asking him to bring me ice waters and wheat thins and more watermelon (definitely helps you NOT vomit!) he has been happy to help me. Happy to take care of me. Happy to love me in my vulnerable (also crazy) pregnant state. And that is just an amazing feeling that makes my heart even more full of joy and love (and that will definitely help me survive the unknown number of weeks of nausea ahead of me).  

Brené Brown, author of Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead definitely understands the necessity of vulnerability in our life (at home, in business, in relationships). Maybe in the coming weeks as I lie on the couch, growing larger each day (believe me, I definitely jump on the “I’m eating for two!!!” bandwagon) I’ll read her entire book and see if it helps me embrace the vulnerability that I ordinarily avoid at all costs. Until I read it, I think I’ll contemplate this quote that I love (and see what I can accomplish in the meantime): “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.” (Brené Brown) How do you feel about vulnerability? Let me guess. You don't like it either. Brené definitely figured that one out during her decades of research, concluding, "the difficult thing is that vulnerability is the first thing I look for in you and the last thing I'm willing to show you. In you, it's courage and daring. In me, it's weakness." 


But today (or tomorrow, or the next day) consider giving vulnerability a shot. Dare greatly as you do something, and see what you accomplish, create, experience, or innovate. And then let me know how it goes for you! Remember, that according to Brené, I will see it as courage and daring, not weakness, regardless of the result.